Modern Dads: A New Vision of Fatherhood*

An excerpt from

The Modern Dad's Dilemma: How to Stay Connected with your Kids in a Rapidly Changing World**

By John Badalament

 

Over the last five years I've spoken to thousands of fathers and father-figures across the country and abroad, researched, written and made a documentary film about what it means to be a modern dad. It has become very clear to me, as a practitioner and a dad myself, that for most men, fatherhood today is as challenging as it is rewarding.

As women have moved into the workforce, many dads -- some by choice, others by necessity -- have begun to be more active at home. No longer able to rely on the traditional roles, 'man the breadwinner/woman the caretaker,' modern dads have an unprecedented opportunity to redefine a more involved and healthier version of fatherhood for generations to come. 

Whether it means leaving work early to make a game or recital, staying up late with a sick child, talking through a relationship problem with a partner, or attending a parent-teacher conference at school, many modern dads are determined to show up for our families in ways that our own fathers could not or did not. However, we're also just discovering what most mothers have known for years: doing it all isn't easy. It's especially difficult when you don't have many role models to follow.

Modern fatherhood is all about embracing change, taking action and having vision. Women have traveled a great distance on the road leading from home to the world of work. They are not turning around. Now is the time for us as dads to ask more of ourselves. Being a father is not something you are, it's something you do. By showing up for our children and partners, learning new skills, building support networks, and measuring success by the quality and health of our relationships, modern dads have begun the journey on the road that leads back home.

As Modern Dads we have a gift that most of our fathers did not. It is the gift of knowing what a tremendous difference we can make in our children's lives. We see it in the research, we hear about it from the women in our lives, and we feel it in our hearts and bones: children need to feel close and connected, to feel at 'home' in their relationship with their father. They need a new kind of provider, a dad who not only supports them materially, but emotionally, physically and spiritually as well. This is a tall order indeed.

Realizing this vision and delivering for our children, families and the next generation of dads, requires stepping out of our fathers' footsteps and onto this new road home. It connects our work life to our family life, our desire to achieve with our need to just be, and our head to our heart.

My own father (b. 1941) was not expected to walk this road. Home, literally and figuratively, was a woman's domain. The so-called 'feminine qualities,' such as caretaking, emotionality and empathy, held little value in his world. This isn't a matter of judgment, just simple fact. We now know that these human qualities -- expression, emotionality, nurturance, etc. -- are only enrich our family's lives, but they also help us live longer. According to Dr. Eli Newberger, the messages boys and men get to 'go-it-alone' or 'not ask for help' are major contributing factors in why men die on average five years earlier than women. In contrast, men who have intimacy and connection in their lives are actually healthier than men who do not.

And for those dads that dismiss this all as 'touchy-feely' -- which inevitably comes up when I do dad's dinner or lecture  -- I make the following point crystal clear: a close, emotionally connected father-child relationship is a form of prevention and source of health and happiness for both child, father and the child's mother. Renowned researcher John Gottman found that children with emotionally available dads do better in school, have better peer relationships, and relate better with teachers than children with more emotionally distant dads. Children with dads who are critical or dismissing of emotions are more likely to do poorly in school, fight more with friends and have poor health.

Having a vision for the quality of relationship you want with your children and family is just a starting point. In a recent parent lecture I gave, for example, one dad said he hoped twenty years from now his daughter would say, "my dad always helped me pursue my interests, he took time to listen carefully and pay attention to me." What a wonderful vision, indeed. It is, however, a starting point. The critical questions are: what are we doing today and what do we need to change going forward in order to increase the likelihood of our children giving the responses we hope to hear (and not hear) in twenty years?

Modern fatherhood is about filling up your life with healthy practices - showing up for your children and partner, learning new skills, building support networks, and measuring success by the quality and health of your relationships.

The vision is clear and the road is before us. Now, we must each take responsibility for becoming the Modern Dads our children and families need us to be.

 

*Based on the book The Modern Dad's Dilemma Copyright ©2010 by John Badalament. Printed with permission of New World Library, Novato, CA.

** To order this book from Amazon.com, click here!

 

Modern Dads and the Women Who Love Them*

4 Practical Ways You Can Help Your Man be the Best Dad He Can Be

by John Badalament

In the past 15 years, there has been a sea change in how we define a "good father." Dads today are expected to be involved in their kids' lives in a way fathers have never been before. It's no longer unusual to see men holding babies in a front carrier, changing a diaper, or at story hour. The National Center for Fathering found that between 1999 and 2008, there were major increases in the percentage of dads who take their children to school, attend class events, help their kids with extracurricular activities, and attend parent-teacher conferences.

 

This shift toward involved fatherhood didn't happen because men woke up one day and decided we needed more diaper changing stations in men's bathrooms. As women have moved into the workforce, many dads -- some by choice, others by necessity -- have begun to be more active at home. While the average dad is doing far more than his father, time-use studies have found that moms -- working or not - still do about 70% of the housework and childcare.

The great news is that being an involved dad brings a wealth of riches -- to kids, to moms, and most especially to the dads themselves. The bad news is that modern dads have a lack of role models, mostly inflexible workplaces, and relatively few parenting resources. In other words, most dads are, for better and for worse, creating and shaping this new role on the fly.

 

No longer able to rely on the traditional roles, 'man the breadwinner/woman the caretaker,' modern dads today have an unprecedented opportunity to redefine a more involved and healthier version of fatherhood for generations to come. The question is whether or not we -- and here I'm speaking to both moms and dads -- will seize this opportunity.

Modern moms can have a tremendous influence on how this next chapter of fatherhood plays out. The chances of a dad succeeding at being highly involved in his kids' lives are much better if his wife, partner, or co-parent is behind the mission.

Here are some things Moms might consider when it comes to supporting men in being the best Dads they can be:

In my work with dads, I always emphasize that we as men must take responsibility for realizing a new vision of fatherhood. Our children depend on it and the women in our lives deserve it, and we, as men, need it. Women have traveled a great distance on the road from home to the world of work. They are not turning around. Now is the time for dads to ask more of ourselves, as well. Being a father is not something you are; it's something you do. By showing up for our children and partners, learning new skills, building support networks, and measuring success by the quality and health of our relationships, modern dads have only just set out on the road leading back home. Together we will find our way.

 

*Based on the book The Modern Dad's Dilemma Copyright  ©2010 by John Badalament. Printed with permission of New World Library, Novato, CA.

** To order this book from Amazon.com, click here!

 

Interview with John Badalament

Tell me about the title, what is the Modern Dads Dilemma?

In my experience working with thousands of dads from different backgrounds across the country, the dilemma I consistently hear men describe is: How do I build and maintain a strong, emotionally connected relationship with my kids...and get to work by 8am? In other words, how do I become a breadwinner and a caretaker? The good news is that in addition to concerns about balancing work and family life, is a real desire to pay more attention to what really matters: relationships at home.

Over the last half-century, women have traveled a great distance from the home into the world of work. They are not turning back. Modern dads are just starting out on the road that leads back home. The challenge for dads today is to view this journey not as 'more work', rather as an opportunity to be a different, more connected modern dad.

Realizing this vision and delivering for our children, families and the next generation of dads, requires stepping out of our fathers' footsteps and onto this new road home. It connects our work life to our family life, our desire to achieve with our need to just be, and our head to our heart.

My own father (b. 1941) was not expected to walk this road. Home, literally and figuratively, was a woman's domain. The so-called 'feminine qualities,' such as caretaking, emotionality and empathy, held little value in his world. This isn't a matter of judgment, just simple fact. We now know that these human qualities -- expression, emotionality, nurturance, etc. -- are only enrich our family's lives, but they also help us live longer. A close, emotionally connected father-child relationship is a form of risk prevention and source of health and happiness for both child, father and the child's mother.

What is a modern dad?

Most importantly, a modern dad is pro-active. Fatherhood doesn't just "happen" to him.  Whether that means leaving work early to make a game or a play, staying up late with a sick child, talking through a relationship problem with a partner, or attending a parent-teacher conference at school, a Modern Dad is determined to show up for his family. At the same time, he acknowledges that he doesn't have all the answers and willing to ask questions, read parenting books, or talk to other fathers and mothers about parenting.

What inspired you to write this book?

Initially, it was the process of coming to terms and making peace with my own father that led to my exploring this theme. After making a documentary film about men and their father's legacy, I began speaking in to groups of parents, dads in particular. It became clear that dads wanted something practical they could do, to leave with. This need for tools, skills and useful information inspired the book. I wanted to somehow create a book that would allow for stories and how-to exercises; discussing this with a friend, we came up with the idea of having the dads, whose story would be featured, also do the exercises and put them in the book as well. So, the book is a hybrid of sorts, and unique in a way. I've never bought a new how-to book at the store and found the exercises already filled out...be forewarned.

What is a dad's vision statement and why is it important?

Just like a company has a mission, dads need a vision for fatherhood, a Dad's Vision Statement. The activity from the book goes like this: Imagine your child is interviewed for a film about you, twenty years from now. What do you hope your child says -- and doesn't say -- about your relationship? By asking this question, dads can be more deliberate in how they choose to spend their time, what priorities they set, and what needs changing in their lives. This simple exercise has very powerful implications. It's about being proactive, getting clear about the kind of relationship you are trying to build as a dad and then doing what's necessary to realize that vision.

How has texting, technology affected dad-child connections?

Like any technology, it depends how it's used. One boy in a father-son workshop I led told me that texting actually brought him closer to his dad. During the day, the dad texted the boy about his favorite sports team. Traveling dads have found skype, webcams, text, etc. helpful. So, technology can be helpful, but generally speaking, at this point it disconnects more often than not. I spoke to six different large groups of boys and girls ages 8-18 recently, and asked them what they would change about their dads if possible? The top two answers? Get off the cell phone and spend more time with me.

Children of all ages need quality and quantity time to build healthy relationships. Quality time is when you are focused and present with your children, not worried about the outcome of the experience. Quantity is no less important than quality. The more time a dads spends with his child, the more in-tune with each other they can become. Whether it's doing dishes together, running errands, driving to school or sharing meals, children need time to 'just be' with their dads. Even if time is short (as can be the case for dads who live away), we don't need to try and make everything fun and meaningful.  

What is Ritual Dad Time? How can dads put this practice to work in their relationships with their kids?

One great way to make sure you're spending quality time with your child regularly is to create a Ritual Dad Time. This in no way should replace daily family rituals like sharing meals, walking to school, doing shared activities, reading together, etc. Rather, this is a special, once per month, one-on-one time with dad. Think of it as the father-child equivalent of a couple's "date-night." The key is to get your ritual time on the calendar, if not a few months in advance, definitely at the end of each time together.

Women have carved out broader roles for themselves and their daughters. How can dads help their sons become men in the fullest sense?

First, dads can treat their son's mother  - and the women in their lives - with respect. I say to dads: just as you have probably taken on some of the characteristics of your own parents, your son will likely imitate you as well. Specifically, how you behave in relationships at home becomes a blueprint for her to follow, for better and for worse. Dads also need to talk to boys from a young age about fatherhood -- what is a daddy? What do daddy's do? Are you going to be a daddy some day? Not only will this help boys to identify those same qualities in themselves -- caring, nurturing, strong, etc. -- but to them as a natural part of being a man. From almost the very start, girls play mommy, but boys...? They play mommy until getting teased for it. Modern dads have a great opportunity today to show both boys and girls what being a real dad is all about.

What is important for modern dads with daughters to know?

The author and activist James Baldwin once said, "Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them." You set the standard for what she will expect from the boys and men in her life. So, how you treat your daughter's mother is perhaps the most important of all; the quality of that relationship, whether you are currently with your children's mother or not, is a key factor in helping your daughter become a healthy, happy adult.

Girls—both our own daughters and daughters everywhere—also benefit when we dads (and moms) challenge destructive gender stereotypes and beliefs. When we pay attention to what our children learn about gender from other family members, their peers, the media, coaches, and teachers, we can let others know we'd like our daughters treated fairly. For example, I began noticing how often friends and family members referred to my young daughter as "pretty," giving her the unhealthy message that her appearance was of primary importance. We can respectfully intervene and suggest healthier alternatives to these situations. As men, we must let others know we won't tolerate sexist jokes or degrading comments about girls and women.

You recommend that dads have regular heart-to-heart chats with their children.  Do you have tips for how dads who aren't sure what to say can make this happen?

Early on in my work with dads, I knew that to have an ongoing heart-to-heart with their children, dads needed a tangible, practical, and structured guide. What started as an idea with a few questions on a slide for dads to use at home, the ongoing heart-to-heart has been developed into a tool — which has become the basis of my Dialogues with Dad program — called the Modern Dads Relationship Checkup. At its core, the Relationship Checkup is about normalizing truth-telling, speaking from one's heart, and listening deeply, for dads and children (adult children included) on a regular, lifelong basis.

Practically, the Relationship Checkup is a series of questions designed and sequenced to initiate and encourage ongoing dialogue between dads and children. It's a structured way to have a heart-to-heart talk about two central themes: your everyday lives and your relationship with each other. There are two versions of the Relationship Checkup. Version one is for children aged five to ten, and version two is for children aged eleven and above.

Tell me about your work with dads in schools? Your work in general?

While there is more societal permission for men to push strollers or change diapers at a professional football stadium, dads still seem to need an invitation to be more involved at school. Change is afoot, but slow. The National PTA for example, did elect its first male President recently. But the vast majority of PTA or PAs are predominantly mothers. The idea that dads are too busy doesn't really hold up anymore. Plenty of single working moms, and increasingly more single dads, have managed to stay involved in schools while keeping up with the demands of a job. In terms of children without dads in their lives, I encourage schools to think of building a community of dads and mentor dads. I've found that single mothers, widows, same-sex couples, and mothers in general are overwhelmingly supportive of involving more dads in schools. We know from research that when fathers are more involved in the school community beyond just attending sporting events -- volunteering at the school, attending class, grade and whole school level events, showing up for parent-teacher conferences and getting involved in the parent-teacher organization -- children have been shown to get better grades, go further with their education and actually enjoy school more.[1]

Who are the dads you interviewed in your book? How did you select them?

I collected the stories in this book by interviewing dads and dad-figures from a diversity of backgrounds across the country. They have sons and daughters, from infancy to adult children. Divorced, married, single, stay-at-home, co-habitating. Most of the men I had met at my workshops and lectures, some were referred to me by friends and colleagues, and others just seemed to appear. I also interviewed a few of the men's wives, partners, children, and fathers as a way of filling out their stories.

While the stories in this book range across racial and ethnic backgrounds, socioeconomic statuses, sexual orientation, religion, geography, and age, what holds them all together is this: each of the dads featured in this book embodies some aspect of what I defined above as three essential qualities of a modern dad: self-knowledge, courage, and adaptability. Each of these guys is actively working on being a better dad. 

[1] Nord, C.W. and J. West.  Fathers' and Mothers' Involvement in Their Children's Schools by Family Type and Resident Status. U.S. Department of Education, National Center for Education Statistics, 2001

JOHN BADALAMENT, EDM, is a Harvard-trained educator, leading expert on fatherhood, and the author of The Modern Dad's Dilemma. He is also the director of the acclaimed PBS documentary All Men Are Sons: Exploring the Legacy of Fatherhood. His work has been featured in the New York Times and other publications. Visit him online at http://www.moderndads.net

 

*Based on the book The Modern Dad's Dilemma Copyright  ©2010 by John Badalament. Printed with permission of New World Library, Novato, CA.

** To order this book from Amazon.com, click here!