| Edited by HENRY REED, Ph.D. |
August 1, 2008
|
CHAPTER 3: A History of Boundaries
The Ego Ideal or, True Self, is a separate place that all else acts around. It is the “being, consciousness and essence that we really are”. So many people now-a-days takes classes to learn how to become in touch with and stay in tune to. It has been called the Buddha’s self, Jesus’ model, your self, and is presently dubbed, your Higher Power, or Higher Self. The Ego Self, on the other hand, is given the bad rap name of the False Self. It is that which assists us in dealing with the world. It has been understood as Tao’s 10,000 things, your Unconscious, Shadow, and Co-dependent self. An even trendier name for the False Self would be the Mystery Self because the ideal is easy to comprehend, but the complexity and methodologies of our behavior are more mysterious and difficult to unravel and understand.
Whitfield’s work is based on the premise that when we divide our understanding of self into two, the False and the True, only the True Self can establish and maintain healthy boundaries. A self boundary, therefore, is a “creative dynamic of the True Self”. The False Self is unable to accomplish such a feat.
Chapter 3 continues with an overview of ancient views on boundaries and how they have been important to our species survival. He cites the Buddha’s understanding of boundaries (use of the word “roof” below) at around 500 B.C.:
An unreflecting mind is a poor roof.
Passion, like the rain, floods the house.
But if the roof is strong, there is shelter.
Another example Whitfield uses is how organized religion incorporates forms of boundaries and limits. Observing commandments, following (practicing) guidelines and rules offer the faithful protection.
Some highlights from Whitfield’s Table 3.2. Some Recent Historical Perspectives on Boundaries are:
Royce 1895 – self consciousness, awareness of difference between self and other; product of relationships
Reich 1949 – boundaries as character armor in rigid personality
Mahler 1958 – infant’s development from undifferentiated to more differentiated
Rapaport and Gill 1959 – boundary from concrete to symbolic
Jackobson 1964 – development of and differentiation between self – and object – representations (internalization of experienced relationships)
Wilder; Bateson 1972 – boundary as condition of all communication and locus of all relationships. Began describing primitive aspects of all-or-none thinking and behaving
CHAPTER 4: Boundaries And Human Development
Dr. Whitfield postulates the correlation between boundaries and tasks in human development, and identifies when healthy and unhealthy boundaries thenceforth emerge.
Womb - Whitfield speculates that the intrauterine experience contains no physical boundary with the mother and that the child might feel oneness with God.
Birth – Whitfield considers that the birthing process might be experienced as a forced separation between the child and mother and the this circumstance creates the potential for experiencing rejection from God and mother and that such a wound can cause a person, as they mature, to be afraid of engaging in relationships.
First few months – The child knows itself as fused with the parent (or parental figure) both mentally and emotionally. The parent mirrors expressions, posture and sounds of the baby.
Healthy Boundaries – Only forms if the parents are self-actualized or recovered, (hence, the notion of a “mirror”) otherwise,
Unhealthy Boundaries – The child begins to become wounded in approximate proportion to the extent that the parents are themselves wounded. This creates a so-called “distortion” (the difference between healthy and unhealthy) in the mirroring process.
Beginning Movements – Child learns about all or none, good or bad. Their experiences now indicate that they are separate from others, and so they begin to explore.
Healthy Boundaries – Child is allowed to explore.
Unhealthy Boundaries – Being wounded, the parents aren’t able to allow the child to explore.
On the Move/Walking – Whitfield calls this is Rapproachment phase. Beliefs change so that the child now learns that not everything is all or none, good or bad. The child learns more about self and primitive boundaries (initial dependence and independence).
Healthy Boundaries – Child is allowed to continue to explore.
Unhealthy Boundaries – Parental modeling is such that the child learns about boundaries that are either too rigid or too loose.
Toddler – The child tests limits of self, others and the world. The child models the behavior and thinking of those around them.
Healthy Boundaries – Child is allowed to continue to explore and test these limits.
Unhealthy Boundaries – Distortion of sameness into codependence and differentness experienced as toxic shame and low self esteem.
Ages 5 -11/12 – Child continues learning how they are similar and different from others. Whitfield considers this period of development what creates the solid base for boundary formation.
Healthy Boundaries - The child evaluates and develops morals, skills and values.
Unhealthy Boundaries – Parent continues to stifle child by disallowing exploration. The child is forced into roles to the detriment of self. As a result, they resort to doing what they can to separate.
Adolescence – Child begins separation from parents and family. They struggle with self identity. Child begins to practice intimate relationships.
Healthy Boundaries – Child will cycle through all steps (recycle process).
Unhealthy Boundaries – Child acts out (if they continue to do this more and more, pattern established. Potential for harming others and property). Child acts in (harms self, manipulates others. Child often labeled as problem child. They carry the family’s emotional weight).
Adulthood – Becomes more on equal ground with others (independent self, apart from family). Establishes career, family, etc.
Healthy Boundaries – Continues to cycle through development of boundaries and relationships.
Unhealthy Boundaries – Recycles unhealthy development. Possibility of healing – exploring and learning what needs to be let go of.
Zipper Model of Boundaries
Whitfield uses a zipper model as a metaphor to understand what can happen to your True Self and your boundaries. If wounded, you would see the zipper being opened from the outside. This correlates to allowing other people to infringe on your boundaries (not being able to say “no”). It also means that you need to defend yourself (on the inside) and as a result, will be unable to let anything in.
When inside and outside boundaries are developed and understood, healthy self esteem based on self autonomy emerges. The True Self sets the boundary. The healing process for the wounded, Whitfield suggests, begins when we decide to create our own destiny. Whitfield’s cycle of steps is a means for helping one on their healing journey.
Understanding How the True Self Gets Wounded
1. Parents are wounded and have unhealthy boundaries.
2. Feelings of inadequacy, unfulfillment and in general, bad, are projected onto others. (Parents look outside themselves to feel whole.)
3. In survival mode, the child denies that the parents are inadequate and bad. Child takes in (introjects) parents modeling.
4. The child’s True Self, vulnerable, can get repeatedly wounded. In order to protect itself, the True Self in a defensive tactical maneuver, submerges (splits off) itself deep within the unconscious part of its psyche. The child goes into hiding.
5. Child takes in what parents model, including verbal and nonverbal, and stores in the unconscious mind, although some is conscious.
6. Messages stored are mental representation of relationships laden with feelings.
7. False self stores the more self-destructive messages (ie. Internal saboteur).
8. Tension builds. The True Self wants to be present instead of in hiding. The negative ego (destructive part of false self) attacks the True Self. This forces the True Self to stay in hiding and keeps self-esteem low. Child’s development disordered and boundaries become unhealthy.
9. Chronic emptiness, fear, sadness, confusion, periodic destructive behavior present. Impulsivity and compulsivity allow True Self some tension release, and potential sightings of itself by the child.
10. Continued submersion of True Self. Compulsions and addictions provide temporary fulfillment. More suffering results. Serenity and fulfillment blocked.
At this point in the wounding process, co-dependence manifests as a result of the adult child syndrome/condition (being an adult child of a troubled, unhealthy, or dysfunctional family).
11. Recovery and growth gently brings the True Self out of hiding and enables healthy expression. False self restructures to become positive ego (flexible, assists) to the True Self. Person begins to feel truly alive.
12. Healing process may take 3 to 5 years or more. It is a gradual process. Whitfield stresses as he does throughout the book, to work on self discovery and recovery in the presence of safe, compassionate, skilled and supportive people.
Whitfield ends the Chapter saying that we get a second chance to retrace and complete developmental tasks we left incomplete (or unhealthy). Motivation, persistence, dedication and patience fuel the process of recovery and growth. Creating and setting healthy boundaries protects the integrity and well-being of the True Self. This becomes a healthy cycle, which then sets the boundary to keep the True Self out of hiding.
CHAPTER 5: Boundaries and Age Regression
Age regressions are warning signals. Age regressions are triggered when boundaries are invaded, about to be invaded, or when memories are activated and recall prior invasive experiences. The body becomes stirred in the following rapid sequence: fear, hurt, shame, guilt, anger, confusion and disorientation. Feelings of being suddenly upset, confused, scared, or like a helpless young child are symptomatic of age regression triggers. Age regressions are very important to attend to, or heal, lest we become paralyzed, confused or dysfunctional as a response to the inner and outer conflict.
3 Kinds of Age Regression Effects:
1. Feeling of immobilization and helplessness.
2. Same triggers and feelings as above, but we respond actively (temper tantrum, verbal attack, expressions of pain by crying, shaking or body contortions).
3. “Therapeutic” – one of the above or combination of the two which occurs during group or individual therapy.
Age regression generates conflict. Conflict is part of a defense system called transference or projection and is experienced in 3 levels.
1. Those I am in current conflict with.
2. What the current experience reminds me of (unfinished hurts).
3. With what old tapes or messages are being played to self about it (embedded the deepest, and the place where one self-defeats oneself from).
Steps To Heal Age Regression
1. Recognize when age regression occurs and name it (for example “I’m age regressing now”, or “I just age regressed”).
2. Take slow deep breaths.
3. Keep the body moving. Physically staying still may contribute to feeling helpless or immobilized.
4. Have a set of keys available to touch. Whitfield suggests that since keys are a symbol of mobility and freedom, playing with them will remind you that there is a way out.
5. Talk with a safe person as soon as possible. It may be necessary to write down what happened and how it felt, and then recall the event/experience when it becomes safe to talk.
6. Process the experience in a deeper and experiential way by:
a. Telling your story
b. Anger bat work
c. Writing and reading an unmailed letter to a safe person
d. Sculpture
e. Gestalt techniques
f. Any creative technique
7. Determine the specific level of meaning of the age regression
Level 1 - I was mistreated in the past
Level 2 – I am being mistreated now
Level 3 – I don’t want to be mistreated anymore
Level 4 – I’m going to set firm boundaries and limits in this relationship
Level 5 – I’m going to take a break from or possible even leave this relationship if the mistreatment continues
*Somewhere around Level 5, it becomes important to examine your role in the mistreatment. From level 5 on, the street goes both ways and so the possibility of mistreatment by both parties is likely. Examine whether you may be intruding with words or behavior on a partner’s boundaries.
Level 6 – I can get free of this unnecessary pain and suffering
Level 7 – I am learning and growing from my awareness of this age regression
Level 8 – By using it, I am healing my True Self
Recognizing the warning signals (effects) and using the above steps for healing age regressions, will help to avoid or minimize contact with the people who invade boundaries, will better protect your Child Within, stop the unnecessary self-blame, and enable the unconscious in your life to become a part of your full awareness.
CHAPTER 6: Giving and Receiving - Boundaries and Projective Identification
Whitfield considers projective identification a defense against emotional pain. It is a pattern of behavior that is unconscious to all involved. It is an outcrop, a result of, unhealthy relationships and unhealthy ways of handling pain. Whitfield defines projective identification where “one person denies or disowns a part of their own inner life and induces another to take on and act out that disowned part, while frequently blaming the receiver for doing so.”
A 5-part sequence of giving and receiving as outlined by Whitfield:
1. A person unconsciously relates to another person through sharing part of their inner life with them.
a. Inner life material is either made or received.
2. Message is met by how receiver relates to senders inner life and their ability to respond.
3. Return communication – message is sent in return.
a. Extension or projection of what receiver thinks, perceives, experiences of original message.
4. Original senders’ perception of what receiver returns, creating new experience.
5. Co-creatorship or Projective Identification.
a. Healthy Interaction – living from True Self (full awareness, healthy boundaries) so allows for growth. Does not take on anything that does not belong to them. Does not try to give others anything that doesn’t belong to them.
b. Projective Identification – Unconsciously project onto someone a part of their life they would like another to take on because they continue to disown or deny that part of their inner life.
Projective Identification is a try at being non-participatory in one’s own life. It is a learned behavior yet it is able to generate a life of its own, unconsciously. As a behavior, it doesn’t recognize the impossibility of its own creation. It is impossible to have an easier life by giving away what you don’t want, or without embracing or living it. Whitfield believes that we get what we give. Projection doesn’t make your troubles go away. It provokes those traits in others, making them more like you. So, what you didn’t like to begin with, just comes right back in front of you. It is impossible to get away from yourself. The True Self always finds a way to keep things in check, even if you don’t want to pay attention.
It is possible to stop Projective Identification. The steps needed to this end are: willingness to change, realizing one’s True Self, unconscious to conscious awareness and owning it, and setting healthy boundaries and limits. Whitfield compiled and modified a table from Ogden (1991) which explains in greater detail how PID contains levels of usefulness for growth:
Defense – serves to create a sense of psychological distance from my painful and unwanted experiences and other parts of my inner life.
Communication – I induce in you feelings and experiences similar to my own so that you can understand me better and we can feel as if we are more together.
Transitional experience – by giving my unwanted experience to you, without owning it myself, I can explore it from a distance.
Growth opportunity – sensing my experience in you, and working through our associated conflict, I now own my own experience and heal some of my unfinished business.
CHAPTER 7: What is Mine? What is Not Mine? Sorting And Owning – Part One
Determining what is yours and what is another’s comes about by identifying and knowing your inner life, including the unconscious material. The more you become familiar with your True Self and connect with its inner life, the more familiar you become with what is yours vs. what is another’s business.
If we use the analogy of our lives as a file cabinet, containing all that we are and continually being filled with all that we become, all we have to do is be interested in looking for something about ourselves that we didn’t know (or weren’t conscious about). This awakens the conscious to experience the unconscious. It would be like finding a piece of paper stored in the cabinet, looking at what inner life experience and material it pertains to, acknowledging, accepting, and choosing to keep the access to it’s contents page marked (conscious) in our life.
Whitfield’s suggests how to find new pages in the file using Experiential Techniques such as:
1. Risking and sharing, especially feelings, with safe and supportive people.
2. Storytelling (telling our own story, including risking and sharing).
3. Working through transference (what we project of “transfer” onto others, and vice versa for them).
4. Psychodrama and its variations: Reconstruction, Gestalt Therapy and Family Sculpture.
5. Hypnosis and related techniques.
6. Attending Self-Help Meetings.
7. Working the Twelve Steps (of AA, Al-Anon, CoDA, NA, OA, etc.).
8. Group Therapy (usually a safe and supportive place to practice many of these experiential techniques).
9. Couples Therapy or Family Therapy.
10. Guided Imagery.
11. Breathwork.
12. Affirmations.
13. Dream Analysis.
14. Art, Movement and Play Therapy.
15. Active Imaginations, using Intuition and Voice Dialogue.
16. Meditation and Prayer.
17. Therapeutic Bodywork.
18. Keeping a journal or diary.
19. Writing an unmailed letter.
20. Using a workbook like, A Gift to Myself.
21. Creating our own experiential techniques or healing.
Characteristics of experiential healing techniques include the following:
Being Real – even if it feels uncomfortable.
Focused – focus on an aspect from inner life.
Structured – there is a structure or form to the technique.
Safe – always provides the most healing if generally done in a safe and supportive environment.
Another method for exploring inner life deeper is by noticing strong emotional reactions to any person, place or thing (triggers). These triggers remind us in some way of past unhealed hurts, losses or traumas. According to Whitfield, the True Self generates an energy that can heal these painful experiences. However, if the emotional energy and it’s pain are stifled, unexpressed or repressed, the True Self stores everything in the unconscious part of itself. As energy never dies, it just changes form, the form in which the unconscious expresses itself through behavior is as some sort of patterned expression or repetition compulsion (making the same mistakes over and over).
Our own psychological defenses and boundary invasions by others are two factors that tend to create a blocked view of our True Self’s attempts at healing (including emotional energy stored in the unconscious). Psychological defenses include beliefs and assumptions that are encoded in our minds which block free expression by the True Self. Why don’t we know? Often, these blocks are ingrained and supported by individuals and groups, such as religion, media, educational system, law enforcement and government, to name a few.
Throughout his book, Whitfield emphasizes the importance of safe and supportive environments in which to work through our business. In Chapter 7 he details the necessity of a safe environment provided and supported by others to allow for the expression of the trauma pain and validation of its occurrence (cause and effect). In fact, he says that it is a boundary invasion if someone invalidates another person’s true experience. Grief is a natural response. Healing is possible when the wounded person is able to expresses the pain of their grief and is supported and validated by others.
Another method for determining what is mine and not mine is feedback. Whitfield outlines what he thinks the most constructive and healing feedback includes:
What I see How I can identify with you
What I hear What came up for me in my inner life when I heard your story
Feedback does not include advice or suggestions or the sharing of material from your inner life.
A method for determining what is mine and not mine is recognizing projections. Whitfield provides the following table to help identify the guises under which projection may appear.
CHAPTER 8: What Is Mine? What Is Not Mine? Sorting And Owning – Part Two
Conflicts surround projections. One method to release the pain associated with staying stuck in any projections is to identify and work through the conflict. In Chapter 8, Whitfield identifies 3 levels of conflict to determine what is being experienced:
1. Present (Here/Now) – this is a conflict between you and the person(s) you are with during the time the conflict occurs.
2. Past and Unhealed – an unresolved conflict whose affects include stirred memories during here/now conflicts. Whitfield suggests asking some questions to help figure out what one conflict has to do with another. For example, “Of whom or what from my past does or might this conflict (from Level 1) remind me?”
3. Internalized Messages/Beliefs – Whitfield believes that questioning yourself is a helpful method for awakening your own understanding about the formation and beliefs you characterize. For instance, “What beliefs, belief systems or negative attitudes did I form around this past conflict?”
Whitfield mentions that if the conflict exists solely in level one, it will be fairly easy to resolve. However, conflicts that fall in the level 2 and 3 categories can take moments to weeks to years to work through. What determines the time is invariably with whom one works through the issues with.
Whitfield again details the characteristics of safe and unsafe people to seek assistance and support from. He writes about safe and unsafe people in every chapter, in case someone picks up his book for help and because of the necessity for finding such people to get help from, especially if one has unhealthy boundaries and would be prone to not recognizing safe from potential harm.
Characteristics of Safe People
You are able to trust a safe person to be real with you. Safe people tend to listen and hear you, accept the real you, validate your experiences, they are clear and honest with you, nonjudgmental, their boundaries are appropriate and clear, they are direct with you, supportive, loyal, and your relationship with them feels authentic.
Characteristics of Unsafe People
Unsafe people may not make eye contact with you, may not really listen or hear you, reject or invalidate the real you, are judgmental, unclear in their communications, noticeably blurred boundaries, they send mixed messages, are indirect, competitive, and may betray you. The relationship with an unsafe person will feel contrived.
Other types of help includes:
1. Listening to others – if several people independently make the same observation.
2. Humility – being open at times to learning about self, others and our Higher Power.
3. Vigilance – experience inner life to be able to own, work through, learn and let go of whatever parts you may choose.
4. Do the Work – it is our own work and responsibility for claiming what is mine and what is not mine. There is a paradox that exists in that you cannot heal alone (need to find safe, skilled and supportive people to accompany and guide you through your work) and the only way to recover is by your own internal resources.
Not vs. Is
Healthy boundaries enable differentiation between what does not belong to you and what is yours to own. Below is the guideline from Whitfield’s Table 8.3.
What IS Mine
1. My awareness of my inner life.
2. My inner life, including:
a. My beliefs, thoughts, feelings, decisions, choices and experiences.
b. My wants and needs.
c. My unconscious material.
3. My behavior.
4. The responsibility to make my life successful and joyful.
What is NOT Mine
1. Others’ awareness of their inner life.
2. Material from others’ inner life including:
a. Their beliefs, thoughts, feelings, decisions, choices and experiences.
b. Their wants and needs.
c. Their unconscious material.
3. Their behavior.
4. The responsibility to make their life successful and joyful.
Healthy boundaries enable differentiation between what does not belong to you and what is yours to own. The pain felt during or after a conflict may actually be what belongs to the other person. It is necessary to ask whether the pain is your own and whether it is your responsibility to clear the air for the other(s) in a conflict.
Compassion vs. Passion
Passion involves active co-dependence, thereby making it a primitive state of consciousness. The focus of passion is outside of oneself. It is attachment to an outcome dependent on another persons’ role in a situation.
Compassion is empathy with healthy boundaries. A compassionate person is caring or intimate but able to be with another person without the need for any outcome. There is no need to jump in and help, yet a compassionate person is there for another if called for help.
Mine to No Longer Mine
Whitfield states that once a person owns something from their inner life or behavior it becomes possible to release it. For instance, pain from past/unhealed conflicts or memories can be released. The memory now exists without any pain attached to it.
CHAPTER 9: Healthy Boundaries and Limits
Healthy Boundaries and limits are needed to enable the following aspects of life to exist:
1. Self-definition and self-care.
2. Healing the child within.
3. Healthy relationships.
4. Realizing serenity – living in a healthy relationship with self, others and your Higher Power.
Developing healthy boundaries and limits enables the True Self to come out, stay out and flourish. Whitfield provides a guide for determining whether particular aspects of boundaries and limits are healthy. These characteristics include:
1. Presence – awareness of usefulness: setting or letting go of boundary.
2. Appropriateness based on Inner Life – reason for presence. Constant assessment of whether boundary is on par with Inner Life (including: beliefs, thoughts, feelings, decisions, choices, wants, needs, intuitions, etc.).
3. Protective – Helps protect the well-being and integrity of Child Within. Without this protection, unable to allow Child Within out.
4. Clarity – Able to clearly assess boundary between self and other(s) with whom boundary is being set.
5. Firmness – Consideration of needs and wants to determine the firmness required to fulfill goal.
6. Maintenance – Determination of whether to hold or relax firmness in response to situation over time. May require fluctuation or steadfastness.
7. Flexibility – Appropriateness of when to let go of boundary or limit.
8. Receptive – Loosening boundary to allow for another experience to be let “in”. Determining factors include: How useful? How enjoyable?
Whitfield labels the characteristics of Unhealthy Boundaries and Limits “Un-characteristics”. These include:
1. Healthy Boundaries and Limits are NOT set by other(s) – They are established based on your own inner life. It is important to recognize the dynamics of relationships you have with others. There may be other people telling you what to do, think or feel. By establishing your own boundaries, their pain (projection, etc.) is let go or never taken in. You fill more of your own space.
2. Healthy Boundaries and Limits are NOT primarily hurtful or harmful – The reason you are setting a boundary is to lessen any hurt or harm both for yourself and others. Whitfield suggests asking 2 crucial questions:
a. How hurtful to myself or to the other will it be in the long run if I do not set the boundary or limit now?
b. If I don’t set the boundary now, will my hurt and resentment build and eventually destroy our close or otherwise valued connection?
3. Healthy Boundaries and Limits are NOT controlling or manipulating – The presence of using indirect means is contrary to the intrinsic nature of the Child Within.
4. Healthy Boundaries and Limits are NOT a wall – Walls do not allow for the dialogue necessary to determine and maintain healthy needs. Boundaries and limits need flexibility and spontaneity; constant communication between the outside and your Inner Life.
5. Healthy Boundaries and Limits are NOT forming a triangle – Boundaries are set with a single person or group at a time.
Learning about Healthy Boundaries is paramount because the True Self wants to come out and stay out but requires things to be a particular way.
CHAPTER 10: Relationships - Their Basic Dynamics And Boundaries
According to Whitfield, the basic dynamics of a healthy relationship to any one, at any time and anywhere, flows in a particular sequence. There are 12 basic dynamics. The first is a need. The need pertains to what you derive or what you get by the occurrence of the relationship: ie. enjoyment. Needs are met only when addiction or attachment to the person, place or thing with which you are in relationship to does not occur. The only way to prevent addiction or attachment is by having healthy boundaries – by staying attuned to what comes up for you in your inner life as a result of your involvement in the relationship.
Choosing whether to be in an early stage relationship or choosing otherwise is the next step. The key aspect of this step is that there is always a choice, at any time. The 3rd is beginning the process of bonding. Bonding is to healthy relationships as bondage is to unhealthy relationships.
Step 4 is recognizing the dynamic of sameness and differentness. In what ways do you differ? What do you have in common? Again, Whitfield stresses that a healthy relationship always looks at what is real to one’s inner life and that by listening, you will know whether or not to continue the relationship. Step 5 is taking notice of roles, what rituals are enacted, and what habits have begun. Spontaneity, flexibility and comfort are necessary for a healthy relationship. These characteristics allow for the relationship to vary, to change naturally, to be experienced in different ways, when appropriate.
The equality and mutuality to which each partner pursues or distances themselves in the relationship is what Step 6 is about. Step 7 is the dynamic of boundaries and limits (the unhealthy dynamic is fusion and enmeshment). Whitfield charts how boundaries and limits interact with all the other (11) basic dynamics. By this stage, there is a sense of myself and of you and some of each other’s wants and needs. If you decide to continue in the relationship, Step 8 is determining how close you want to be: close or intimate, unless the relationship is in the realm of limited acquaintance and superficiality.
Whitfield defines an intimate relationship as “one in which two people are real with one another over time.” Both partners dare to be vulnerable and they both move toward realizing or actualizing their True Self. In contrast, a close relationship would not contain as much sharing of the many dimensions of each others lives.
How do you determine the difference between an intimate experience and an intimate relationship? Whitfield cites Mason (1988): an intimate relationship exists when there has been sharing in at least 4 or 5 of the nine life areas (below) and there is an expectation that the experiences and relationship will continue over time.
Table 10.1 Life Areas that may be Shared in Relationships (compiled from Mason 1988).
1. Social – sharing a group experience.
2. Intellectual – sharing ideas or thoughts.
3. Emotional – sharing feelings.
4. Physical – working together.
5. Recreational – sharing a recreational activity.
6. Aesthetic – sharing what is beautiful or artistic.
7. Affectional – sharing affection through touch or tenderness or special caring.
8. Sexual – requires a prior relationship; deep closeness is possible.
9. Spiritual – sharing a spiritual experience.
You will probably note that not any one person can meet all your needs. Therefore, it is important to share a variety of experiences with more than one person. Hence the reason friends are so important!
Step 9 pertains to the dynamics of relationships and family health versus family dysfunction. In order to have healthy relationships with others we must know how to create healthy boundaries and limits. Since we learn about personal boundaries and limits from our family or our society, it becomes crucial to a relationship to heal the Child Within if there were unhealthy role models.
The 10th step in the sequence of the dynamics of a healthy relationship is Healthy Narcissism or Self-Caring (vs. Unhealthy Narcissism). The characteristics of healthy narcissism by focusing on the self and getting wants and needs met are established by not hurting another person (not invading another’s boundaries) and caring for healthy wants and healthy needs in your own way and in your own time (setting healthy boundaries). Whitfield’s Table 10.2 details the characteristics of healthy and unhealthy narcissism. For example,
Characteristic Healthy Unhealthy
Sees Others As separate Primarily as how others can
individuals with own be useful to them
needs and feelings
Responsibility Assumes appropriate Blames others; avoids
personal responsibility personal responsibility
Being around them is Enlivening Toxic and Draining
Step 11 pertains to the communication, experience and reaction within relationships. Content includes what is said verbally. Process means all other forms of communication other than verbal (for example: reactions, responses, behaviors). Whitfield provides a case history of a couple who are both chemically dependent. The man sought help while the woman sought more alcohol. The man told the woman of his frustration and hurt (content). His loose boundaries behavior (process) was that he continued to pick the woman up after receiving calls in the middle of the night and paying her bills. The content was in contrast to the process. Whitfield’s deduction was that because he did not set healthy boundaries and limits his words were cancelled.
Whitfield suggests that both partners in a relationship monitor what is going on inside their head and compare it to what is going on in the relationship. What is real for one person may not be occurring for another.
The 12th step in the sequence of the dynamics of a healthy relationship is growth (vs. stagnation or regression). Growth is only one way – via healthy boundaries that enable the True Self to emerge. You can’t grow when the True Self hides. But you can “experience, explore, connect, reflect, learn, struggle, create, celebrate, enjoy, and just be…when you live from and as your True Self.”
CHAPTER 11: Core Issues and Boundaries – Part One
An issue is any conscious or unconscious conflict, concern or potential problem. An issue exists because the experience of our True Self has been hindered. To bring forth our True Self again, we need to take action or make change. Until we know how to regulate our boundaries, a core issue will present itself repeatedly.
Whitfield has identified 15 core issues. These issues are: fear of abandonment, low self-esteem, control, trust, being real, feelings, dependence, grieving our ungrieved losses, all-or-none thinking and behaving, high tolerance for inappropriate behavior, over-responsibility for others, neglecting our own needs, difficulty resolving conflict, difficulty giving love, and difficulty receiving love.
One method to work through problems or conflicts is the core issues approach to recovery. The following are the steps or stages of this method:
1. Identify and name my specific upset, problem or conflict.
2. Reflect upon it from my powerful inner life.
3. Talk about it with safe people.
4. Ask for feedback from them.
5. Name the core issue.
6. Talk about it some more.
7. Ask for some more feedback.
8. Select an appropriate experiential technique.
9. Use that to work on my specific conflict and feelings at a deeper level.
10. Talk and/or write some more about it.
11. Meditate or pray about it.
12. Consider how I might learn from it.
13. If I still feel incomplete, repeat any of the above.
14. Whenever I am ready, let it go.
Most of the rest of the chapter is an imaginary scenario demonstrating how core issues interact with boundaries. The only other information that differs is Table 11.2 which is titled the Spectrum of Boundaries and Their Relationship to Healthy and Unhealthy Dependence and Independence. Whitfield writes,
A self-actualized or recovered person has a balance of healthy dependence within their relationships and healthy independence both within and outside of them. In their experience of healthy dependence there is appropriate closeness and sharing, and in healthy independence they have appropriate distance and privacy. They have healthy boundaries.
CHAPTER 12: Core Issues And Boundaries – Part Two
Interaction among core issues is what Whitfield demonstrates in Chapter 12. He uses fear of abandonment as the beginning issue in a chain reaction that can ultimately lead to the erosion of our sense of self and the inability to be real. What follows below are some of the core issues and how they interact with fear of abandonment:
All or none thinking does not leave room for any choices. When we live from our True Self, we recognize that choices always exist. When we are attached to our False Self, those choices are on the other side of a wall – a wall which we built, but might not know exists.
Throughout his book, Whitfield explains that by protecting the integrity and well-being of the Real Me, boundaries allow the True Self to emerge. He stipulates that love is found at the core of our being. Boundaries act as the pathways for the giving of this love or the receiving of another’s love. As healing takes place through the process of recovery the love within is experienced and then able to extend outwards.
Over-responsibility for another person is due to the existence of a conflict in the relationship between two people. The giver may have the illusion that their action is healthy for the other person. It is also entirely possible the giver believes that they can change, rescue or fix the other person by their control over them.
Responsibility however, means to be responsible to your self by having clear boundaries with others. A balance between dependence and independence exists in any healthy relationship. So being real and monitoring and experiencing your inner life while having healthy boundaries and limits is necessary. Throughout his book Whitfield generates example after example of the importance to understanding boundaries and what it takes to be real, to live healthy, and live as your True Self.
Unfortunately, it is entirely possible to neglect one’s own needs for authentic experience and communication, feeling safe, feeling accepted and feeling loved. All it takes is lack of boundaries or boundaries that are too “loose”. As needs are neglected the tendency is to not set many boundaries. And as we know, everything piggyback’s on healthy boundaries!
Handling conflict is one of the hardest core issues to heal, according to Whitfield. Differences and disagreements need boundaries and set limits. When the establishment of boundaries and limits occurs, there exists a zone of safety. With safety there is no fear. Fear and tension are what caused the conflict in the first place.
Whitfield ends the chapter by asking, “How can I be real if I don’t know who I really am and if I don’t feel safe enough to be real?” Healthy boundaries protect the integrity and well-being of the True Self.
Boundaries interact throughout all of the core issues, and each core issue interacts with boundaries. As we hear our core issues, we learn about boundaries – what they are, how to set them and let them go, which are healthy and unhealthy, and when and how they are useful in our lives.
CHAPTER 13: Triangles
There are two types of relationships involving three people: Threesomes and Triangles. A triangle is a relationship amongst three people with painful consequences. If there is conflict and unbearable pain between two people who are not yet recovered, actualized or differentiated, it is very likely that at least one of them will find someone to bandage their pain. Unconsciously or consciously, but always due to lack of maintaining healthy boundaries, the third person becomes immersed in the other two person’s emotional pain, thereby making the conflict a threesome – a Triangle. It is important to note that the drawn-in person may become wounded by the process. Although the problem was not theirs, they may take on the cause. As a result, they are now afflicted with two problems: that which they took upon themselves when it was not rightfully theirs, and why they did so.
A threesome differs from triangles in that each of the three people maintains healthy two-way relationships. Each individual functions from their True Self. There exists authenticity, spontaneity, an open system, flexible movement amongst the three people, closeness and possible intimacy experiences between each of the three pairs.
Triangles involve fusion. Fusion is when one person overlaps another person so that their identities become enmeshed with each other. They are no longer individuals, distinct and different from each other. They may behave similarly. Their inner lives are not independent. They seek the impossible goal of completeness and fulfillment through another person, place or thing. Whitfield writes how one person may:
· Try to merge into the other in an all-or-none fashion, to gain self-realization. (I am right and you are wrong, or you are right and I am wrong.”
· Or two people will try to merge into one. (We always agree.)
· Or one person will lose their self in the other person. (I live for only you.)
· Or one person will usually pursue and the other will usually distance, with little or not mutuality in their relationship.
Cleverly formulated, triangles avoid a sticky situation and delegate it to another person. There is an old saying, “we do the best with that we’ve got”. With unhealthy boundaries, when you don’t know any better, the repercussions become vast and serious to both yourself and those around you.
Maintaining healthy boundaries will help avoid involvement in a triangle or at the least, will enable you to identify or disengage from triangles.
Below are the symptoms and/or consequences of triangles Whitfield found:
1. Woundedness – The original, unresolved conflict and pain which when left unhealed, predisposes one to being involved in triangles (due to lack of recognition of triangles and being like a magnet/target for others to use).
2. Lost, hurting self – As a result of the woundedness. The true self is in hiding to survive. The false self makes the calls. There can be recurring illnesses (physical, mental, emotional and spiritual) as a result.
3. Unhealthy boundaries – The basis for and manifestation of being involved in triangles.
4. Inner and outer confusion, pain and chaos – Sometimes with periods of numbness or calm.
5. Repetition compulsions – Symptom and consequence of triangle involvement (making the same mistakes over and over).
6. Scapegoating – All three people in a triangle are either the victim, the problem, or the potential solution. Thinking otherwise is scapegoating.
7. Avoidance of closeness and intimacy – Healthy boundaries enable the True Self to flourish. A choice of closeness and intimacy with a partner is made based on wants and needs from your own inner life. Wherease a triangle is formed from unhealthy boundaries that cannot determine wants and needs properly since you would be living from a false self.
8. Other symptoms and consequences – Which includes the creation of interlocking triangles (see below).
Interlocking triangles occur when one triangle fills up with too much pain and cannot keep it contained. As a system, it needs somewhere/someone to dump the excess pain into, so it dumps it upon another triangle system.
Listed below are the classification of categories of “member roles” in a triangle found by Whitfield.
1. Pain Generator – This person sets the tone for the members. Through their behavior they seem to generate emotional pain. They may upset others or be the first to get upset about potential problems.
2. Pain Amplifier and Dampener – The amplifier adds to the problem because they can’t stay calm or out of the conflict even when it doesn’t belong to them. The dampener uses emotional distance to control the way they react to other’s behaviors. They easily put themselves in the role of becoming “over responsible” during times of high stress.
3. Abuser, Enabler – The enabler is someone who brings out the destructive behavior in others. The abuser intimidates.
Whitfield lists other roles as described by Wegscheider-Cruse and Black:
1. Family Hero – The responsible or successful one.
2. Scapegoat – Delinquent, acting-out or troubled one.
3. Lost Child – Adjuster or quiet one.
4. Family Mascot or Pet – Little princess, Daddy’s little girl or Momma’s boy.
According to Whitfield, most people who involve themselves in Triangles seem to fit the description of being actively co-dependent. Therefore, they may use roles that are guises of co-dependence. These include: people pleaser, overachiever, inadequate one or failure, perfectionist, victim, martyr, addicted, compulsive, grandiose and selfish or narcissistic.
Chapter 14: Detriangling - Avoiding And Getting Out of Triangles
What remains constant in Whitfields’ book is the necessity for being responsible for ones self. Having a healthy self, establishing healthy boundaries, and being real are the results of acting responsibly. Being real is actually a skill!
In Chapter 14, the reader becomes more acquainted with what lies inside triangles. Triangles are comprised of the self (M), the one in conflict with (C) and the wished-for helper (WH). Whitfield explores the possibility of the relationship between C and WH representing a duality of conflict (consciously or unconsciously) within the self (M).
When you go into the self, the past can be represented through the present in the form of triangles. Both the person you are in conflict with and the wished for helper are at opposite ends of the duality. C symbolically might be the “bad” parent who prevented you from getting what you wanted and WH symbolically represents the “good” parent who helped you get what you wanted. Although the present triangle doesn’t contain either parent, C and WH are symbolically playing out the roles of the good and bad parents. You go inside yourself, into the past, through a present conflict, to tease out what wounded you in the past.
While working on detriangling, consider the following aspects of your inner life:
1. Projections (what parts of your unfinished business have you projected onto C and WH?)
2. Repetition compulsions (do conflicts and triangles have similar themes?).
3. Awareness of being in a triangle.
4. Working to detriangle.
5. The responsibility it takes to work through the conflict(s).
Look at the experience as the means and cognition as the understanding to propel your conscious into action. When the connection between the past and present triangle/conflict occurs, you become free to grieve, releasing painful stored energy from the original unhealed trauma, thereby catapulting your self from the triangle.
Watching out for the roles and triangle dynamics may help to avoid or detriangle. We have established that some of the causes of triangling are: not being real (being dishonest) with information, feelings, experiences), and ‘shoulds’ (which are ordered by the false self and untrue). So, being real and having healthy boundaries creates the necessary foundation for any work to proceed from.
Roles and Dynamics
1. Engagement in a triangle begins by not being real and honest about information, feelings, and/or experiences – what is labeled the “shoulds”. It is important to learn how to differentiate your needs and wants from the shoulds that other people have told you are your wants and needs. Shoulds eminate from the false self and so are therefore untrue. It is as though the shoulds store tapes which you are used to because they are comprised from unhealthy boundaries, and from which you became accustomed to while growing up, but which you mistake as yourself.
2. All 3 triangle roles are painful.
3. There is no personal power gained in triangles since triangles operate from lack of honesty – which is essentially an expression of loss of personal power.
4. There are three positions in a triangle: Persecutor, Victim, and Rescuer. Look for your favorite starting role/position (most don’t start with persecutor)
5. Usually, all three roles are played at some point by everyone. If you think (perceive) of yourself as the rescuer who becomes victimized, then very likely the other person sees you as their persecutor.
6. Guilt and painful feelings hook you into triangles. Feeling guilty is a signal that someone is attempting to triangle you. So, give yourself permission to feel guilty without acting on the feeling. Note that besides guilty feelings, painful feelings such as fear, shame and anger can also be an attempt to hook you into a triangle.
7. The “escape hatch” is a shortcut to detriangle located in the persecutor position. All you have to do is be real and tell the truth and feel your own feelings! Be advised and prepared for the other two people seeing you as the bad guy. If you try to rescue the situation, you end up back in the triangle. Recognize that you are willing to experience your feelings and there isn’t any need to rescue others when they experience their own feelings.
8. All 3 positions of a triangle can be played by yourself. This is called a Self-Inflicted Triangle. When a voice inside your own head beats you up, puts you down and constantly shoulds you. As explained in #1 above, this type of voice is actually your false self. It will make you feel like a victim while feeling guilt, fear, shame and/or anger. These feelings then can cause you to think that you are the persecutor (playing itself out) and drive you to rescue someone/or situation.
9. Be vigilant for hooks, especially if you live with someone who lives in a triangle, or around others who use triangles regularly.
10. An internalized shoulder is negative, rigid, controlling, a perfectionistic and self-righteous. Steer away from this false self.
11. Triangles are a kind of living death. There is inauthenticity, pain and lack of acceptance and love.
12. Being real (telling the truth and experiencing feelings with healthy boundaries) is a way out of triangles by knowing and defining boundaries, taking responsibility for recognizing, expressing and completing what comes up in your inner life. The ability to be in emotional contact with others but remain autonomous in your own emotional functioning is the essence of differentiation (that being true to self, knowing your boundaries, etc.).
Other Triangle Dynamics - There are 4 other triangle dynamics.
1) Power Difference
This is when 1 or 2 people have some kind of power over the other(s) in a triangle (parents/child, boss/employees). There are 3 levels:
Lowest Level
1. A Power as physical strength or financial manipulation.
2. Power as manipulation.
3. Power as persuasion.
4. Power as assertion.
Second Level
1. Watchful waiting.
2. Accepting.
3. Letting go.
Highest Level
1. Wisdom.
2. Compassion.
3. Unconditional Love.
These levels can be used in reverse to de-triangle by understanding power differences and taking responsibility for your well being. Personal power = awareness + responsibility.
2) Role Reversal
Role reversal is when one person takes on parts of another person’s role that doesn’t belong to them. For example, a child who is made to care for the needs of a parent. This parent places their needs above the child’s. However, this parent doesn’t give up any control. Often, this parent plays the child off against their own partner.
As an adult, this child may be depressed by her inability to care for her father, doesn’t know her real self, is over-responsible for others, and has trouble functioning in healthy relationships.
3) Double Binds
Double binds are created in environments where finding a safe or healthy place for a person doesn’t exist. It is when you are placed in a situation where you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
Within double binds there always contains an implied threat. For example, a child given the role of caring for the needs of her father. If she speaks up, her father will shame her and very likely her mother will guilt her. Double binds often originate in family settings where a child cannot leave the setting and doesn’t have the maturity (cognitive or emotional capabilities) to find a solution within the setting. As the child becomes an adult, it is likely that they recreate, through repetition compulsions, situations which don’t have any safe alternatives for resolution. Double binds are common in triangles.
4) Secrets
Secrets are confidences withheld on purpose from another person or group. A secret occurs when you are told by someone not to tell anyone else (or not to tell a particular person or group). There are two types of secrets: healthy and toxic. Keeping a toxic secret could lower self-esteem, increase guilt, and/or block the ability to grieve. Toxic secrets can actually weaken immune systems. On the other hand, a healthy secret does not cause damage to you or to others. So, when you are in the process of de-triangling, it is helpful and healing to learn about any important secrets that have been kept from you, and to tell any toxic secrets you are harboring to a safe person.
Secrets often produce triangles due to boundary violations. The secret holder has an unfair advantage in the relationship, the illusion of possessing power over another (by controlling the secret – to whom and what). The colluder (those who know) are pitted against the outsider (the outsider/s). Secrets separate people. Boundary violations occur as a result of secrets superficially joining two (or more) colluders in a common endeavor and when these colluders deceitfully maintain their pretense of the common endeavor, and cause harm (emotionally in the least) to the outsider. Toxic secrets will destroy trust, conceal information that may be important to the outsider, and erodes relationships between those involved in its path. It is easy to see how the real secret isn’t just the content of the secret but actually the motive or the intent of the keeper/colluder.
Whitfield warns about de-triangling carefully, as all involved may experience pains, which can in turn lead them to triangle in other people for help (with their problems). If we assume there will always be pain associated with de-triangling from secrets, it would therefore seem ever so more helpful have a safe person to confer with.
Lastly,Whitfield write about a third relationship (the first being a relationship with self, the second being a relationship with others) with a Higher Power; or God of your understanding. He surmises that once you do everything you can do, some people will then put it out there to let God do the rest; via prayer, meditation, or in whatever form communing with God takes place for an individual. This he calls, Co-Creation.
Chapter 15: Stages and Processes of Recovery
Stage Zero - When an illness or disorder, whether chronic, acute or recurring, is evident. The need for recovery is present, but no action has begun.
Stage One - When you become involved in a full recovery program to assist in healing the illness or disorder of Stage Zero. Recovery times vary. Specific boundaries related to the cause of the illness or disorder are effective. For example, it immediately helps if an alcoholic abstains from drinking and avoids situations (people, places and things) which caused them to drink.
Stage Two – This stage is about healing adult child or co-dependence issues. Whitfield says that work on these issues begins only after a solid and stable Stage One recovery has lasted a year or longer. The wounding of the loss of selfhood through its manifestations is explored. Time variants for this stage is 3-5 years, in the best full recovery program.
Stage Three - Incorporating spirituality into daily life.
The Recovery Process: Peeling Away the Layers of Co-dependence
Whitfield uses the metaphor of peeling away the layers of an onion to visualize the recovery process. The layers of the onion represent the layers of co-dependence. Each layer (0-3) represents the manifestation and consequences of the false self and our attachment to it. Each of the 3 layers surrounds, constricts and imprisons the True Self (the core of our being).
Cutting through the numbness, pain and confusion will allow entry into Stage One. Cutting through the addictions, compulsions, and various other disorders will allow entry into Stage Two. The third and final layer that needs to be dealt with is comprised of fear, shame and anger.
Peeling through the 3 layers takes work; recognizing, addressing, experiencing, and healing multiple problems and concerns (unfinished business). Boundaries and Relationships focuses primarily on the unfinished business of Stage 2 recovery and the usefulness of healthy boundaries. Finishing business includes grieving, original pain work, working through core issues, personality work, completing developmental tasks and setting healthy boundaries. These kinds of recovery interact with each other. A visual way to see it would be using a Venn diagram of all the key areas of recovery work above.
Grieving - In order to grieve ungrieved hurts, losses and traumas you need:
1. Skills about how to do grief work.
2. Safe and supportive others.
3. Enough time to complete the process.
Original Pain Work (an important part of grief work) - 8 sequential actions that can help:
1. Telling the story of the current problem/upset to safe and supportive people.
2. Cognitively and experientially connect current upset, conflict and feelings to past, “What does any of this current experience remind me of?”
3. Journal writing, letter writing or any means to work through the emotional pain of the conflict.
4. Report what you did in #3 to therapist, group or other safe people. Perhaps enact parts of the resolution with the same people (via Gestalt, psychodrama techniques).
5. With same people, discharge stored toxic energy until you feel as complete with it as you can be.
6. Listen to feedback.
7. Describe how you feel now (after hearing (all) the feedback.
8. Take what you have learned and make new connections to future upsets and conflicts.
Personality Work
Whitfield believes “that nearly all of the unhealthy and destructive aspects of our personality are due to a combination of our being wounded and to our attachment to our false self.” And therefore, to Whitfield, doing personality work means healing the results of prior wounding (including wounding influenced or caused by constitutional or genetic factors).
An overview and outline of part of the process of doing Personality Work
1. Therapist or therapy group empathically connects to person (an continues to keep this relationship throughout the relationship).
2. Therapist/group accompanies and guides the person while working through their unfinished business.
3. Transference, related core issues, and being stuck in developmental tasks are noted by therapist.
4. Therapist responds to above situations:
a. Listening and tolerating projected material (while maintaining empathic connection).
b. Questioning (What does this conflict remind you from your past?).
c. Facilitating movement in any constructive way.
d. Supporting the person’s needs as appropriate.
e. Interpreting a particular and appropriate dynamic or connection (rarely/seldom).
5. Constructive feedback helps to validate, mirror and support.
6. Establishment of healthy boundaries.
7. Provide interpersonal experiences.
Essentials for Recovery
1. Handling any distractions to recovery – identifying and stabilizing and Stage Zero disorders by working in a Stage One full recovery program.
2. Learning to live from your inner life.
3. Learning about your feelings – Recognize it, feel it, experience it, work it through, use it and then, let go of it.
4. Learning about age regression.
5. Learning to grieve and grieving to get free of it’s chronically painful hold. Learn what hurts. Learn about the losses of trauma experienced. Then begin to grieve, while progressively learning more about each feeling as it arises. This process can take several years. After grieving prior losses to completion, you are free to be your True Self and grieve when hurts, losses and traumas occur.
6. Learning to tolerate emotional pain – Staying in the discomfort long enough allows you to work through the pain; and enables you to learn and grow from it.
7. Learning to set healthy boundaries and limits.
8. Getting needs (physical, mental, emotional and spiritual) met. Whitfield says that “our needs are met as we grieve, experience and live our lives in three relationships: with our self alone, with safe others, and if we choose, with our Higher power.”
9. Experientially learning and knowing the difference between True Self and False Self. Whitfield calls the False Self the Co-Dependent Self because the false self is the major actor and pretender in co-dependence. The false self wants to be separate, rational and logical and doesn’t want to feel any pain. It sees things as complicated and will often complicate the conflict. It tries to persist, even to our detriment. The True Self wants to experience, connect, create and celebrate. It simplifies. It knows it may have to go through pain in order to heal and grow. It knows it can co-create its life by connecting to its Higher Power.
10. Working through core issues exists within almost every aspect of recovery.
11. Learning that the core of your being is Love (experienced during Stage Three of Recovery) and understanding that we then extend this love to others.
12. Learning to be Co-Creator – letting go of boundaries and joining as your True Self in loving harmony with your Higher Power. Whitfield says that “in concert with the God of our understanding, we co-create success and joy in our life”.
Chapter 16: “No” Is A Complete Sentence – Other Principles of Boundaries and Limits
Being assertive is working out a way to get your wants and needs met without attacking or purposefully hurting another person. You can tell whether you are being assertive. Check on your feelings and the other persons’ feelings. If you are both feeling okay, it means that you have been assertive. Being aggressive is when someone gets hurt. Another consequence of being aggressive is that conflicts arise which become very hard to resolve.
Did you know that “No” as an answer is an appropriate and complete sentence? Saying “no” means you have expressed yourself – your wants and your needs. Whitfield believes that if a person thinks they need to explain why they are saying no, it is probably because they are in a still-wounded stage of being. It is likely that the explanation this person thinks they need to give, will in turn, take an appropriately expressed “no” and cause complications and confusion, as well as defensiveness and arguments.
Therapists and Counselors
1. Model healthy boundaries.
2. Remain respectful and noninvasive of others boundaries.
3. Point out unhealthy boundaries. In family therapy, Whitfield suggests looking for affiliations, coalitions, overinvolved dyads (twosomes) or triangles and other patterns.
4. Help with increasing awareness and use of inner life of the Real Self.
5. Help discover, reclaim and maintain healthy boundaries.
Whitfield suggests using a “Recovery Plan”. This is a declaration of what you want to have happen for you. The declaration can be written in whatever form works for you.
Boundaries and Certain Stage Zero Disorders
Whitfield talks very briefly about prognoses for Stage Two Recovery with Thought Disorder, Personality Disorders (borderline personality disorder, paranoid personality disorder, and narcissistic personality disorder), Addictions, Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). With much work, and perhaps many years, most of the people with the disorders listed above are able to go on to a Stage Two full recovery program. The most difficult disorder, with little result, is narcissistic personality disorder.
Repairing and Building Boundaries
Ultimately, the responsibility for healing lies with us. To repair and build boundaries, Whitfield suggests following the principles and processes:
“I heal my True Self, and to do that I need to go within, into my inner life. Over time I…
- identify and grieve my ungrieved hurts, looses and traumas.
- get my healthy human needs met.
- work through my core recovery issues.
I begin to identify how I was mistreated in my childhood – my hurts, losses and traumas – and I grieve them over time. I identify how my boundaries were violated and learn to prevent these kinds of violations in the future. I have briefly described this entire healing process in the previous chapter, and in more detail in A Gift To Myself and Co-dependence: Healing the Human Condition.
I can also examine the state of my boundaries in my present relationships, including my family, and begin to clean them up. As I become progressively more aware of my True Self, I will likely realize more and more ways that my boundaries were violated as a child – and as an adult. As I heal from these violations, I will generate healthy boundaries both inside and outside of me, including in my present relationships.
This process of setting boundaries is not easy, and many people close to us may try to sabotage our healing.
A Personal Bill of Rights
1. I have numerous choices in my life beyond mere survival.
2. I have the right to discover and know my Child Within.
3. I have the right to grieve over what I didn’t get that I needed or what I got that I didn’t need or want.
4. I have the right to follow my own values and standards.
5. I have the right to recognize and accept my own value system as appropriate.
6. I have the right to say no to anything when I feel I am not ready, it is unsafe or it violates my values.
7. I have the right to dignity and respect.
8. I have the right to make decisions.
9. I have the right to determine and honor my own priorities.
10. I have the right to have my needs and wants respected by others.
11. I have the right to terminate conversations with people who make me feel put down and humiliated.
12. I have the right not to be responsible for others’ behavior, actions, feelings or problems.
13. I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.
14. I have the right to expect honesty from others.
15. I have the right to all of my feelings.
16. I have the right to be angry at someone I love.
17. I have the right to be uniquely me, without feeling that I’m not good enough.
18. I have the right to feel scared and to say, “I’m afraid”.
19. I have the right to experience and then let go of fear, guilt and shame.
20. I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings, my judgment or any reason that I choose.
21. I have the right to change my mind at any time.
22. I have the right to be happy.
23. I have the right to stability, i.e., “roots” and stable healthy relationships of my choice.
24. I have the right to my own personal space and time needs.
25. I have the right to be relaxed, playful and frivolous.
26. I have the right to be flexible and be comfortable with doing so.
27. I have the right to change and grow.
28. I have the right to be open to improve my communication skills so that I may be understood.
29. I have the right to make friends and be comfortable around people.
30. I have the right to be in a nonabusive environment.
31. I have the right to be healthier than those around me.
32. I have the right to take care of myself, no matter what.
33. I have the right to grieve over actual or threatened losses.
34. I have the right to trust others who earn my trust.
35. I have the right to forgive others and to forgive myself.
36. I have the right to give and to receive unconditional love.
Chapter 17: Spirituality – Letting Go Of Boundaries And Limits
This chapter is about boundaries in relationship to spirituality. Whitfield connects boundaries to an explanation of who we are in relationship to our own quest for understanding the subtle dynamics of our existence. He links the notion of surrendering to a higher power, or God, to letting go of our boundaries. That once you know the rules, you know when it is okay (appropriately important) to break the rules. In letting go of our boundaries, we are able to open up to the existence of our higher power. To allow for randomness, chaos, and intent to be intertwined, the outcome fully accepted as our given path.
Whitfield explores Unity consciousness. We are already and always a part of God, being one with God. At this level of experience we recognize that there are no boundaries, and we are not separate. We live as our particular parts of the Divine Mystery. Whitfield connects the work necessary for establishing healthy boundaries with ourselves and others, is that as we “authentically” know more and trust more in our self and God, we will know safe others more intimately. Having such a close and intimate relationship, we then let go of any appropriate boundaries which in turn, will help nourish our relationship. The poem “Mending Wall” by Robert Frost is quoted in its entirety and explored as an example of personal experiences with boundaries.
Being humble is being open to experiencing and learning about self, others and God. And so, there exists a connection between being humble and letting go of our boundaries. During recovery, gaining humility is a major milestone marker.
The Between
“The Between” was suggested by Berenson (who draws on the work of Martin Buber) as an approach to realizing the spiritual and God. “Divinity is inherent in the connections of our relationships, in the psycho-spiritual space between.” After healing in Stage Two recovery, “the between” helps open our boundaries and let others and God into our experience. I think what Whitfield is saying is that once you are aware (via your own experience; not just intellectually) of the existence of God and a Higher Power, interactions with yourself and others turns to honoring, and thereby emulating, such a presence between your own relationship to your self and with others. That which you know to be true and honest and of the highest integrity.
Bonding
To bond means to join with or become one. In relationships, bonding occurs when we let go “into” the other, letting go of the two separate “you’s”. During recovery, feeling safe and being real are the cornerstones for the bond that can transpire between even the abused or the mistreated - with others. It is about “letting go”, dropping the “you” (Whitfield points out that if you drop the “u” from the bound of boundary, you get bond), but not being fused or enmeshed (breathing space is important). “Keep balance and flow in the relationship, so that each can live as a whole, separate and unique individual – together. Healthy boundaries – and boundarylessness.
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